Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
