you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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