You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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