I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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