meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
