I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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