no, he came in my armpit
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
