Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
