I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
