I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
