I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Text me some of your sweat
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