Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
