Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
