Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
