Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
