Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
