I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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