Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
