My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
