so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
