if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
