There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
