I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
