Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
