apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
