News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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