I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
