We named our party play list daddy issues
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
