I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
