why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
