Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Houston, we have a squirter
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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