maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
