dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
