So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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