I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
