I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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