I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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