he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
