I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
