I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
