I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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