I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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