Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
