I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
