gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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