turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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