We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can't turn off my feet"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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