Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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