all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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