So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
